This is part 3 of a three-part series on supporting adolescent boys.
In parts one and two of this three-part series, we addressed common middle school challenges and fears for parents, including acceptance and belonging, and why it’s normal to feel uncertain during this developmental stage. We assured you that feeling uncomfortable and uncertain about your parenting techniques is normal, and that it’s healthy and developmentally appropriate for your son to distance himself from you during this time, however difficult it may feel.
We also examined the role that “acceptance” plays in an adolescent boy’s life, and the instinctual desire to “belong” to a group. Today we look at “C” of the “ABCs of Middle School Boys,” as outlined by Fessenden’s School Psychologist Dr. Kristin Harris.
Change and Middle School Boys
“C” is for Change
Change is inevitable. For middle school boys, the transition is one of the most significant life stages, full of physical, social, and cognitive shifts. Sometimes change can be welcome, but it can often cause growing pains and require a great deal of patience and determination. Middle school boys experience change on multiple levels; while they are growing physically and becoming bigger and stronger, they are also undergoing intellectual and cognitive development that can manifest in various ways.
The Ways Middle School Boys Change and How Parents Can Help
Physical Change
According to Dr. Kristin Harris, the average onset of puberty for a North American male is 11.5. During this time, “boys are starting to experience all of the joys of pubescence. They’re really looking forward to it, but it’s scary—especially if it isn’t happening.” You might notice that your middle school boy has a hyperextended idea of masculinity, just to name one example. Stroll through a toy store and you will see that children want to relate to exaggerated images, which is why characters like “The Rock” can be so appealing to them. Dr. Kristin Harris says, “larger than life, hulking people are who they often want to be, so they may gravitate toward things that are associated with male stereotypes, like tackle football, gaming, and even music.”
She adds that there is great diversity for boys when it comes to puberty. While some children may grow a foot during their middle school years, others may grow a few inches. It is not uncommon to observe social-emotional hurdles in children who are slower to develop physically. Regardless of the pace at which your son develops, this is an important time to broach a conversation about puberty and changes, according to Dr. Harris. She acknowledges that it can be an awkward discussion, but emphasizes that it is a discussion that needs to be had. “If you haven’t already done so, I encourage you to have that conversation because if your child isn’t getting information from you, he’s getting it from his friends and the internet.” Dr. Harris adds that having this discussion could be a wonderful way to validate a child’s maturity and to signify that he is coming into his own.
Cognitive Change
Middle school boys are developing rapidly. Their neurons are firing, and transmitters are flowing. The Swiss Psychologist Jean Piaget talks about moving from “concrete and constricted” thinking to the “formal operational stage,” which typifies a child’s transition into adulthood. Boys start to see the world in different shades and colors, which crosses over into the academic world. Reading comprehension increases, verbal skills improve, and more sophisticated conversations are shared.
Supporting middle school boys through these cognitive changes means encouraging open dialogue, normalizing self-reflection, and helping them build confidence in their new ways of thinking.
According to Dr. Harris, this is a double-edged sword. To be able to think abstractly is to be able to think about one’s self abstractly, and that can lead to becoming self-conscious. She shares, “Self-awareness, self-consciousness, and metacognition—thinking about what one is thinking about—can make boys become very egocentric with a social edge.”
Executive Function
Boys at this age are beginning to develop stronger executive functioning skills, which enable them to self-regulate their behavior, pay attention, retain information, and self-monitor. At this age, students can concentrate for longer periods of time and dive into the process of learning. With this progress often comes a desire for them to want to develop faster. Unfortunately, boys don’t fully develop until they are 22. They’re still going to forget things at home and they’ll be disorganized, but it’s important to enable them to learn from their mistakes, according to Dr. Harris. She states, “Boys learn so much more from natural consequences. If he forgets his skates at home, don’t drive them to school, even though that’s what you want to do as a parent. It’s okay to let him fail a little bit.”
This approach teaches responsibility and resilience, helping boys work through natural middle school challenges.
Conclusion: Helping Boys Through Change
Middle school boys often think that they are unique snowflakes and that they are on stage at all times. This heightened sense of vulnerability often comes with increased anxiety and self- consciousness, but these changes for middle school boys are a natural part of identity-building.
Learn More About The Fessenden Difference
See how Fessenden supports acceptance, belonging, and change in middle school boys. Learn why families choose our junior boarding school and private middle school in Massachusetts to help their sons grow into confident, capable young men.
